On lexical gaps: I sat on a rock today.

It was a Thursday, and because it was a Thursday, I stayed behind after school. Unlike most Thursdays, I walked home nearly alone. For about a fifth of the way, I had someone to accompany me. And because it was the 29th of January, the sky stayed a nice, soaked blue that reflected brightly, causing my eyes to burn. Just a little bit, enough for me to complain.

And he said something interesting: In Japanese, there’s a word—I don’t know this word, but there’s a word for something that causes you to feel a small sense of loneliness or melancholy. That’s why I like this time of day; that’s why I like this blue.

And then, that fifth of my walk was over, and he left. The edge of the sky was dipped in orange, and spread through the leaves of trees. I walked slowly; the sky dimmed with each step.

I sat down on a rock. The sky had darkened to a deep, dark blue, and the moon was a small, white disk: almost a circle. The air was cold, the air was cold winter air, peering over the edge of spring.

Four airplanes passed by. The sky was darkening, darkening. With each breath I took, icy air froze my lungs, but I had to keep breathing. Yes, that’s right, I thought to myself, I have to keep breathing. I listened to the cars that passed by, the sounds burning inside my cerebrum like ice burning fire. 

I understood then. I understood that small sense of loneliness, of melancholy. I watched the cars pull by and their lights reflected in the windows of the small buildings. I was alone then. Somewhere, someone was having sex. Somewhere, someone was blowing out the candles on their 6th birthday cake. Somewhere, someone was breaking up.

I felt laughter as if it were happiness in a can. Sold and bought at the nearest dollar store. I don’t want that cheap shit. No, I thought to myself, I’m drowning. Beneath the metaphorical waves, I stared up at the moon that glared down at me. As if it were telling me that it was my fault.

Screw you, I said to the moon, you control the tides more than I do. And I swam up, towards the moon, in all its incandescent glory. I breathed in the air, and it burned my lungs.

Whatever. I have to keep breathing.