Losing It

When I was young, there was someone I really admired. Actually, I still admire them now. They’re still out and about and doing pretty cool things.

But when I was young, they were just the coolest. I wanted to be just like them. They had the best job. Some of the things that I’ve done were definitely inspired by them.

Then they started doing something else. Something that was still cool, but less public-facing. So I and the rest of the internet didn’t see much from them anymore. All of a sudden, they were completely different.

And I think it’s much less that they’re different now and more that they’re more public about the things they care about.

One day I was watching one of their videos and I realised how much I detested some of the things they said. It wasn’t anything in particular. Just some phrases that irked me, or rubbed me the wrong way. I don’t hate them, I don’t even dislike them. But I no longer revere them.

There was this artist. She drew the nicest pictures. The shiniest, most adorable anime girls. She was one of my first favourite deviantARTists. Then one day she disappeared, too, this time going on hiatus. She deleted a lot of her art.

When she came back, her art style changed. Less gaudy and more rich colours. And she started a clothing company. That was inspiring, I was really rooting for her, and now she’s broken up with her boyfriend and super depressed.

Part of growing up is realising that the people you’ve always admired were only just that: people. But I always knew that. They were cool people, though, and now they’re just people. I don’t know when I stopped watching and rewatching every My Little Pony episode as it came out, but now I can’t recount what happened in every single episode like I used to.

The spark is gone. These people are not cool anymore. Maybe I should feel better about this; after all, isn’t it good to know that failure happens to everybody? But this doesn’t feel good. I wanted her to succeed.

People can’t stay the same forever, I know that. It’s good to be moving on and finding new interests. But I’m doing the former and not the latter.